So I really do enjoy blogging, I just do it very sporadically. I have to be in the mood. But that also depresses me, because I feel like the purpose of a blog is to have a back-log (not really sure if that’s where blog comes from or not, but that’s what I like to think) of things that you thought or felt. So I’m not going to make any promises about updating once a week, but I am going to try to at least update this thing more often than I do. A couple months between entries just isn’t a good thing.
So what’s going on in my life?
Josh and I celebrated our 3 month anniversary… by walking a 5K at 8am. In the rain.
I know, you’re thinking we’re crazy now, but trust me it wasn’t my idea! We were scheduled to have a test in Lifetime Fitness during Hell Week for Enchanted Attic, and our teacher said we could either take the test or do a 5K. With 3 other tests that week, 2 papers due, and a show opening, which would you choose? Exactly.
Luckily, after the aforementioned unpleasant activity, Josh bought me coffee and presented me with an adorable pair of earrings from Hot Topic that I absolutely loved. My boy has very good taste. Then I was, mercifully, allowed to go back to bed for 5 hours before we went out to dinner. When he picked me up he handed me one dozen pink roses, and I melted into a little puddle. Then we went to a hibachi place that I can’t remember the name of and I had lobster for the second time in my life. It was glorious! After all was said and done, despite waking up at an ungodly hour on a Saturday to go walk in the rain for an hour, I think I couldn’t have asked for a better anniversary.
In other news, I have given up soda for Lent, I’m currently on my own version of the SlimFast diet, and I’ve been trying to exercise a little bit more. It’s the exercise part that I’ve been having trouble with, since the only time I seem to have is either at night when I want to be out doing fun things, or early in the morning when I want to be sleeping! But I’m trying…
I survived my post mortem, and they told me that 1) I need to have more confidence in myself and 2) to have a little more initiative. These are both things I’ve heard before. I hear the confidence bit from my boyfriend on a daily basis, so I know it’s something I need to work on. Initiative is harder. People keep telling me that, but I’m still personally figuring out what that means. I mean, on some level I suppose I already know, I’m just struggling with that. But all-in-all, things went well and I’m glad to have all that behind me for a while.
In other theatre news, I have gotten involved in a short children’s production called Pig Tales that is reminiscent of what we did with Kevin the Celt last year. It seems like it’s going to be a lot of fun, and since we only rehearse one or two days a week, it’s my chance to get back on stage and still enjoy my free time.
Spring Break is coming up, though with all the stuff I’m going to have to do over break, I’m not sure how much of a break it will actually be. However, I do welcome the fact that I won’t have to go to classes, or eat Sodexho food. But I’m going to miss my friends, as usual, and certainly Josh while he’s back up in PA. I really wish my parents had let me go back with him this time, but I suppose it worked out since I now need the time for various and sundry projects. Still keeping my fingers crossed about this summer, though!
Not much more to tell you guys at the moment, though I think I will leave you another little musical tidbit like last week.
This week, I have a music video from A Fine Frenzy. I adore her music, and the CD is well worth owning.
That’s all for now folks! Have a great day, and please leave comments!
I really, really should keep this thing updated more.
*sigh*
So where did we last leave off…
School is going pretty well, I just have a whole bunch of projects and stuff to do that are really stressing me out. I keep wondering how the heck I’m going to fit everything in! But I’m also trying to get on a better sleep schedule, eat healthier, and exercise a little. I’m trying to lose some weight, mostly just so I can feel better about myself. It’s one of those things that has always bugged me, but I’ve always been to lazy to do anything about it. I think it’s time I got off my butt and fixed that. Hopefully if I can get my personal life a little more organized, my schooling habits will follow suit.
In other news, I finished working on Enchanted Attic. In the end, it did end up being very stressful for me. There were a lot of nights that I stayed up late fighting back anxiety attacks, and in the end I think it was because I knew from the beginning that Stage Managing just isn’t something I’m meant to do. First off, one of the main jobs of a stage manager is discipline, but I hate yelling at people. I hate conflict of any kind. I’ve always been one of those people who was deathly afraid of giving people cause to dislike me, especially people I consider my friends, so I have a lot of problem telling people to “be quiet” or yelling at people when they’re not on time. I hear that tone of annoyance in their voice when I try to reprimand them and it makes me feel horrible inside. And of course, I came into the whole job not really having a clue as to what was expected of me. I mean, I had seen other stage managers at work, both at school and in community theatre, but things here are so much more strict and so different from what I have seen the job to be in the past. It was all really scary. And because the directors, one in particular, are good friends of mine, I found myself walking on eggshells at rehearsals a lot. I was so afraid of screwing up and letting them down… which of course, invariably, I did. One of the hardest parts for me, that I got reprimanded for, was having to have a wall between myself and the cast members. Even as a director a person can be friendly with the actors and have that kind of interaction. As the stage manager, you’re really not allowed to enjoy any part of the process because you have to be so focused, all the time. Mostly I just didn’t like it because I found myself beginning to hate theatre just a little bit because of it. I hated going to rehearsals because when I was there I felt lost even when I was doing everything I believed I was supposed to be doing. I was tense all the time because I dreaded making my friends angry at me for screwing up my job in some way. I never felt like I was doing my job right. I would say “be quiet” and the director would turn and very sternly say “I have it under control” and then later pull me aside and tell me that I wasn’t calling them down enough. I just felt overwhelmed by all of it. And it took away the essential basic idea of why I love theatre: the interaction. I fell in love with theatre in the first place because it was the one place I could go where I could interact with other people, completely free of any judgement. I’m not even sure how to explain it in adequate words, but for me theatre has always been the one place where I felt completely accepted, and as the stage manager I found myself as the outsider in the one environment where I had always felt safe. I would never ever stage manage another show if I could help it. I’m just not a strong enough person to deal with all that. I’m not organized, I’m not comfortable with disciplining my peers, and I hate being accountable for mistakes and errors because I just don’t hold up well under that kind of pressure. In the end, I really did try what I thought was my best. One of the directors even came up and told me that I had turned out to be a pretty good stage manager. But I’ll still admit that I cried out of joy at the end of strike. It was all just… rough. That’s the best word I have for it.
In addition, I wanna take this little space to apologize to anyone I may have fought with, or snapped at during my time as SM, and thank everyone who supported me and was there for me through this whole mess. A lot of things were said that I’d like to put behind me, but a lot of relationships were also strengthened because of this. I really do think I have the best friends in the whole world, and you all do mean a lot to me. You tell me things I need to hear, and you also listen when I need to just get things off my chest. I’m very grateful to God for blessing me with such amazing people in my life. You know who you are. 😉
I have to do a post-mortem for the show later this week. The challenge is finding a way to collect everything that I basically just told you guys and repeat that to the faculty in a way that sounds nice… without breaking down in tears. So this is the part where I ask for prayers, because I’m not exactly sure what to say. I’m hoping God will inspire me or something…
Now I suppose I should lighten things up a bit. Can’t just bombard you with all my crap and leave it there. On to happy thoughts!
[warning: I’m about to gush about my boyfriend for about a paragraph. Feel free to skip it if you’re not in the mood. lol]
Josh and I are still going strong, and very much in love. We’ll be celebrating our 3 month anniversary this Saturday. Our real anniversary is the 30th, but February doesn’t have a 30th, so we’re just celebrating on the last day of the month. I have never been so happy. I can truly say that I have never loved anyone as much as I love him, and have never felt as loved as he makes me feel. He treats me like a princess, even when I feel like I don’t deserve it. He sees me with all my mistakes and failings, and still thinks I’m perfect. And the beautiful thing is, I think he’s perfect to. I’ve finally found my dream guy. ❤
Right now I suppose the most pressing thing is I’m trying to figure out what the heck to do with my summer. I’m going to try to take a few online classes, I know. I went to a luncheon thing for the new season at NDT which is now, once again, the SCA Dinner Theatre. They’re actually going to have a pretty great season, and despite all the politics and crap going on, most of the people that I know and love are still sticking around. So, hopefully, I can do another internship with their Kids Camp. I really enjoyed that last year. (For some reason it’s much easier to tell 10 year-olds to be quiet than it is for me to tell 18 year-olds) Also, this summer their big show is Beauty and the Beast. I can’t tell you how much I’m dying to play Belle! I know I’m not exactly perfect physically for the part, but I know I have the voice for it, and I’m prepared to fight hard for that part. And hey, even if I don’t get the lead, it would still be such a fun show to do with all my community theatre friends! I’m really looking forward to it.
At this point, I think I’ve bombarded with enough information. If you’re still reading by this point you’re really really awesome for sticking it out. I’ll leave you with one more thing that really makes me really happy!
I recently discovered a cover of the Guns N’ Roses song, “Sweet Child O’ Mine” done by someone called Taken By Trees. It was used in the trailer for the re-make of “The Last House on the Left”, and while I haven’t really come up with a verdict about the movie, I did instantly fall in love with this song. So here it is, for your listening pleasure!
Thanks to everyone who actually reads this. If you could please, leave a comment. I love feedback!
I’m sorry that I don’t update as often as I should. I know that tends to confuse everyone.
Since you were last filled in about my life, I had Christmas break, which was much needed. I basically sat around and did nothing for three weeks, and it was glorious. Well, OK, I did something. I saw a lot of Christmas plays, which was fun.
The boyfriend and I are still going strong. It’s been a month and a half now, and I’m so ridiculously happy! But I won’t spend the whole time gushing about it, I promise.
I broke down and bought a new iPod, and I’m glad I did, because I paid the same price that I did when I originally bought my old one, and actually got twice the space. So now, I can carry more music with me. And it has a cool feature where it shuffles when you shake it. I get endless amusement from that one. lol
Somehow I came away from last semester with all A’s and B’s, and how I pulled that one off I shall never know, but I’m not complaining!
My new semester is busy, and packed, but most of my classes are a bit “fluffy”, so to speak. But I’ll talk more about my schedule later. For now I’m just filling you in on what you missed.
Last, but not least…
Remember how I said that I had faith that God had a plan for this whole theatre issue? Well He did. And I’m starting to see it now in a big way.
At first I was upset because I was worried about being a stage manager. That it would be incredibly stressful and horrendous. But I’m already seeing that because I’m dealing with Deb, Caitlin, and Ashley, I’m much more relaxed than I would have been with Mike or Jake, and I feel much more confident and less stressed out. I might actually make it through this without having a mental breakdown!
And on top of that, I had been longing to go back to NDT, my home theatre…
I’m probably never going back. Kaine has been fired from the theatre, and most of the loyal actors and techies are leaving in lieu of that. NDT as I knew it is essentially dead. And suddenly I’m seeing that God knew exactly what He was doing, telling me to stay where I was and trust in Him. Why did I ever doubt that He had my best interests in mind?
Well…
I think that’s all I have to say for now.
I’m gonna try really really hard to keep this thing up to date, but you know how I am!
Please leave comments if you stop by, I love getting them!
So I really should update far more often. Otherwise, you get interesting gaps in the story of my life.
For example:
I now have a boyfriend. And it is not either one of the guys previously mentioned in this blog.
I know, you’re thinking “what the crap, how did this happen?” and I gotta tell you, I don’t really know myself. I suppose it started right before Thanksgiving, when I found myself sitting up late one night with a boy I had never even thought of as more than a friend. I was studying, and he was practicing a guitar piece. He played me a song from RENT. He let me read my study notes aloud while he played, because that’s how I learn. He blushed furiously when I told him that I thought his playing was beautiful. And somehow we ended up holding hands. I have no recollection of how we got to that point, but suddenly, there we were. And as I gathered my things to leave, he looked me in the eyes and actually asked if he could kiss my hand. I felt my world turn upside down in that moment. I had never really thought of him that way before. But here he was, offering one of the most romantic gestures I had ever seen in my life, and I felt myself going a little weak in the knees.
We talked constantly over the break, sending messages periodically during the day and calling each other at night. The more we talked, the more I could tell I was falling for him, and the more it became obvious that he was already quite taken with me. Until finally, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We hadn’t even gotten back from break yet, but I didn’t need much time to think about it. My answer was an obvious yes.
It’s only been two weeks since we started dating. That’s what boggles my mind, because when we’re together it seems like it’s been so much longer. I’m really happy right now. ❤
God has obviously been good to me this semester. I’ve had a fairly good run grade wise, and I’m studying my butt off for finals in order to ensure that it stays that way. I’ve been blessed with what I finally feel is a permanent circle of friends. I don’t feel like I’m flitting from group to group anymore. Everything just seems to have fallen into place.
And even if I’m not completely happy with my current theatre situation, I also have faith that God knows what he’s doing there. He puts me where I’m needed, where I’m supposed to be. I’m just going to trust that He knows what He’s doing, and I’m sure in hindsight I’ll understand it better.
It would seem that the list of problems in my life at the moment is a short one:
1) I still can’t find my iPod. This is my biggest problem, because it sucks not having my music, and I don’t want to tell my parents that I lost it. Also, I don’t feel like paying $200 for a new one.
2) What does one wear to a wedding? I haven’t been to a wedding since I was a kid, and my friends Audrey and Josh are getting married. I have no idea what I should wear. Any ideas…?
3) FINALS… I think that’s all I have to say.
I think that basically sums up my life at the moment. I’m off to study some more.
For anyone who cares to know, C is turning out to be somewhat of a jerk. We had a little talk and basically it’s over. I’m done with stupid little boys who can’t make up their minds about what they want.
Can someone please explain to me why I am EVERYONE’S rebound girl…?!
*sigh* It hurts, but knowing the truth does take a great deal of stress away…
Thanks to those of you who offered up your advice. I have amazing friends. ^_^
Well, everything that was going on with the December showcase and NDT got resolved. In the end, I think everything really worked out for the best, though I’m mostly seeing it in hindsight. I’m ASMing for “Shorts”, as well as doing the whole monologue bit, and so far I’m enjoying it. It provides me more of an opportunity to just observe other actors and directors. I’m learning new things, even though I’m not an active participant most of the time. The reason I think this was all good is because there’s been some drama going down at NDT, and not the good kind. I’ve been staying out of it, because I have friends on both sides. I feel like the best thing to do is stay away, at least for the next couple months, and let everything cool off. I don’t want to get involved. Too many people there have been too good to me for me to start taking sides now.
Meanwhile, we come to the other major area of confusion in my life at the moment. Men. Boys. They have always been a source of problems and frustration in my life, and it seems to be happening yet again. There are these two guys. We’ll call them C and M.
C is a good guy, handsome, sweet, and I’ve had a small crush on him since last spring. Recently, his longtime girlfriend broke up with him. Something in me always feels the need to comfort my friends who are going through breakups. I don’t know why, it’s just something I’ve always done. So, naturally, when he was struggling with the emotional aftermath of this breakup, I found myself trying to comfort him. Talking with him, sharing stories and advice, and I found myself really starting to like him. Eventually, I decided to tell him about my feelings for him. I thought it was fair, since we were spending all this time together. I wanted him to know that while I wanted to help him through the pain, my opinion wasn’t entirely unbiased and neutral. A part of me was actually really glad he was single. His first reaction, of course, was to inform me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship… but that he was attracted, and he was interested. Maybe we could just spend more time together, and see where it goes? Of course. I would love to. So we did… But the more we hang out, the more I realize how frustrating this all is for me. He’s not that great at talking, at having a conversation. He compliments me, he comforts me when I’m upset, he holds me when I need to be held… but on an intellectual level, I sometimes find it all very frustrating. Sometimes I feel such a strong connection, and we have a deep conversation, and I remember why I first became interested. At other times, we’re left in awkward silence, and I don’t know what to say or do. The other night, we ended up in his apartment, watching a movie. Eventually, we ended up kissing. There was passion, of course, and physical attraction… but I can’t help but wonder if meant anything or not. A part of me worries that I might just be a replacement -whether he knows it or not- for his ex-girlfriend. Or if not a replacement, then perhaps just a source of comfort. A person to be there for him. I’ve been in that place before, and it broke my heart. I don’t want something like that to happen again. Part of me wants it to be more, and part of me wonders if I shouldn’t just walk away now. Even if this did grow into something more, would it even go anywhere…? Right now, I’m not sure if it would. I’m just very confused and mixed up about the whole thing.
Meanwhile, on the other hand, we have M. Some mutual friends of ours have been trying to set us up for a while now. And to be honest, I wouldn’t mind. He’s cute, smart, funny… and the best part is, I can talk to him. Really talk to him. With C, conversations can turn awkward and forced. With M, the conversations never seem that way. And despite having not spent that much time with him personally, face to face, there’s more than a small crush there as well. The only problem is that I don’t get to see him face to face. We go to different school across town, and there’s not the sense of convenience that you have with getting involved with someone who goes to your own school. And what’s more, I don’t even know if he even likes me like that, or if it’s even a possibility. It’s one I’d like to explore, but I don’t know where this whole thing with C is going now, and this is all turning into one big confusing mess.
I feel like ever since Mark and I broke up, I’ve just been completely lost when it comes to anything guy-related. I really don’t know what I’m doing, or what I want, and I keep getting involved with guys and then turning right around and shutting them off because I get scared and confused. I keep second guessing myself. At this point, I feel like the only thing I can do is pray and hope everything gets clearer. But meanwhile, I just feel lost…
On an unhappy side note, my iPod has also gone missing. So if anyone sees a metallic green iPod nano in a pink suede case, that’d be mine.
SO yeah… I’d welcome comments on this. My friends typically give good advice. Maybe you can offer up something helpful this time around. Or maybe I’ll get lucky and find my iPod! I doubt it…
*sigh* If you guys have anything to say, I’d appreciate it….
…no, not homesick in the way you’re probably thinking. If it was up to me I might never go home.
I’m homesick for the NDT. I never really notice how badly I miss it until I have days like yesterday when I randomly spend the day with people like Mike and Vance, and all of a sudden this sadness just comes over me.
But the reason I’m crying now is because I may not get to relieve my ailment… We had auditions for Shorts on Friday. Getting into one of the One Acts would have been OK. I wouldn’t have complained, and it would have been fun in the end. Not getting in would have also been great, because I would be doing the Christmas musical at NDT.
As it stands, I’m behind door number 3: doing a monologue between one Acts. And I’m a major. Which means I can’t turn it down. Which means I’m giving up two months with these people I consider my family, to spend 2 nights on stage for 5 minutes delivering a glorified speech.
So yeah, I’m more than a little upset.
Not just upset… I’m homesick for the one place that really feels like home.
OK, that’s not true. I have a lot to say, just no way to say it.
The show is both the release for and the source of 99% of my frustrations these days.
I’ve become addicted to working out, but I don’t think it’s really helping anything.
The guy I’m interested in at the moment doesn’t really seem to care.
And I’m already doing horribly in Biology, like I expected…
I’m feeling very… alone at the moment. Inadequate, in some way. I just want my boys from Memphis to hurry up and get here. Braden is supposed to be coming up soon, and Nicolas said he’d be up for the weekend of the show. They just can’t get here soon enough.
So right now, I’m just struggling through life… not much else to say.
Of course, that’s all rather depressing and I hate to leave you on a down note… so, here’s a video!
It’s the trailer for the movie “MILK”, the story of influential GLBT rights activist Harvey Milk, and a movie that I’m dying to see! Hopefully this will lighten the mood…
But for some reason my darling Will (Nicolas) continues to check up on my blog and promote it to his public, so I may as well give him something to talk about.
Sorry I haven’t updated in ages, nor actually talked about my NYC trip.
To summarize, I got very little sleep, I ate too much, and I fell in love with the musical “A Tale of Two Cities”. If you’re going to NYC soon, you have to see this show! I cried no less than 3 times. It’s very powerful. And I don’t care what else you say about James Barbour, that man has the voice of an angel…
But on to more pressing matters:
IT’S YOU TUBE TIME!!
This time I have two videos, to make up for the fact that I have been slacking.
Our first video is the amazingly talented, yet sorely unrecognized Marc Almond. Most people know him as the lead singer of the band Soft Cell who made the song “Tainted Love” a hit back in the 80’s. What most people don’t know is that since then, Marc has recorded over a dozen more albums, both solo and with other bands, in every style from covers of Frank Sinatra tunes, to the cutting edge techno that made him famous. In this video, we see him featured with the band T-Total, doing a techno cover of the song “Baby’s on Fire” from the glam rock movie-musical Velvet Goldmine. Listen and enjoy… and maybe dance a little.
Our second video is a small taste of the sheer brilliance of “A Tale of Two Cities” and exactly why I have fallen in love with James Barbour. Here he is in an early workshop of the show, performing one of Sydney Carton‘s most touching ballads, “Let Her Be A Child”. I suggest have tissues handy…
Well, I hate to say it, but that’s all I’ve got for now…
Hopefully you got something interesting out of all that!!
The Snow-covered Garden 